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Before It's Too Late: Deathbed Conversations with Dad

When it comes to kids gauging the moods of their Dads, most children hone their skills by reading their father's temperament after he arrives home from work. Since he is an imposing figure, Dad's negative disposition can easily hinder his child's ability to interact with him. As a result, the lack of meaningful early communication can spill over into adulthood, leaving grown children with unresolved "daddy issues."

"My father was the 'strong and silent' type," reveals Louise Lewis, author of "No Experts Needed: The Meaning of Life According to You!" She adds, "With an emphasis on the 'silent.' That is, until he exploded in anger." As with many children, Dad was more of a stranger than Mom for the majority of Lewis' life. "I feared him. I obeyed him. I loved him; but I didn't know him."

With the passing of time, aging Fathers have a tendency to mellow. This creates an opportunity for their child to become more comfortable speaking candidly while sharing a conversation Dad. "When my daddy aged and began to soften, my defenses dropped because I feared him less," remembers Lewis, who - after losing her job due to the dotcom implosion - spent five years on a Spirit-led journey to discover the meaning of life.

Many sons and daughters are able to forgive their fathers for perceived childhood wrongs once they see him as a normal human being who did the best he could raising them. "It wasn't until I saw Daddy as an old man suddenly preparing for his own death that I was able to summon the strength to confront Daddy openly, honestly and lovingly," tells Lewis.

Sensing the end might be near, and living halfway across the country from her parents, Lewis chose to live with "no regrets." She encouraged a dialogue with her father, one that is usually reserved for someone's very last days. "I wanted to have the deathbed conversation right then and there in case he got sick quickly and I couldn't get home in time." According to Lewis, "timing is everything" when initiating a discussion of this magnitude, but "you don't have to wait decades before having it."

Once she and her father had the frank talk, Lewis says, "All the childhood wounds were instantly healed. All the pain dissolved." She adds, "Never before had my heart felt so open and full of love than in that moment with Daddy." This leads her to wonder: If a grown child and their father still have issues, why wait so long in life to resolve them? In some cases, death will precede the needed deathbed conversation leaving the wounds that much harder to heal.

"There might not be a tomorrow," warns Lewis, whose father passed months later. "Knowing that I had already said the things that needed to be said actually helped a great deal during the grieving process." Nothing was left unsaid, hence, leaving no room for regrets.

Lewis believes having the deathbed conversation not only eased her Dad's mind during his passing, but also helped to deal with her other relationships. "I needed to get to a better place with Daddy because I knew in the end, I would be left with the memory of my role in that relationship." She adds, "The earlier the better." Having a deathbed conversation - which tends to be open, honest and full of love and forgiveness - in a scenario not clouded by a pending death, can enhance the father/child relationship for the remaining years of everyone's lives.

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Can You Prepare Yourself to Handle the Bad Things in Life?

Do you ever find yourself turning off the evening news because watching one more story about something bad will shoot your stress level into the stratosphere?  Global warming, terrorism, record home foreclosures and of course, murder, crime and scandal are the prevailing stories of the day. We live in a world where we're constantly bombarded by bad news. While you can't bury your head in the sand and pretend these problems don't exist, can you prevent the state of the world from stressing you out?

Louise Lewis, a 'self-growth junkie' and author of the inspirational new book, "No Experts Needed: The Meaning of Life According to You!" believes we can learn to protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed by negative events. "Many of us, whether we're consciously aware of it or not, absorb all of this bad news and it chips away at our sense of security and balance," says Lewis. "So how do you prevent the state of the world from completely stressing you out? You focus on changing the state of your world and on touching the lives around you in a positive way." 

For example, if your life is a daily routine of getting up, going to work and then coming home and watching TV each night, you can become isolated. That makes it easy to focus on the very negative things that are going on in the world. On the flip side, if you seek out opportunities to socialize and show compassion towards others you achieve multiple positive benefits. 

"When you build bonds with other people it's like weaving a safety net for yourself," says Lewis. "The ability to commiserate and laugh together establishes a healthy foundation for you emotionally. And when you feel anxious about the world-at-large, giving to others can help. Your giving spirit can simply lead you to talk to someone who looks lonely in a coffee shop. Sometimes chance encounters where you take the time to reach out on a human level can have a profound impact on others-- and yourself."

Reaching out to others can be a key coping strategy when things in your own life get rough--and the reality is, they will get rough at some point. Whether you're dealing with a divorce, death of a loved one or some other drastic, life-altering event, Lewis believes it is possible to prepare yourself for adversity.

"I'm not saying you should walk around in a constant state of anticipation waiting for bad things to happen to you," says Lewis. "But realistically speaking no one is immune from problems. So if you work on fortifying your life, you'll be in a better position to handle those major events when they do happen."

So how do you 'fortify' your life? For starters, you spend time figuring out what's important to you--essentially determining what your personal meaning of life is. If you gain a sense of what matters most in your life and then focus on those areas, you'll have an anchor when the storm hits.

"Deciding your own meaning of life gives you strength and it also gives you a freedom to break down barriers with the people you love," says Lewis. "Once I began following my own sense of purpose, I was able to talk to my family in a new, more open way. They sensed the honesty of it and it's changed the dynamics of our relationships. It put history in its proper place- the past. And our improved relationships fortified my buffer zone against the bad things in life."

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About Louise Lewis

Louise Lewis has two decades of experience in marketing and advertising in the high-tech industry. When the dot-com bubble imploded, so did Lewis' cozy world. Her sudden job loss led her on a journey to seek out a new meaning in her life. She discovered some core truths that can help others discover their own sense of purpose.

Born and raised in Louisiana, Lewis earned her bachelor's degree in Communications at California State University in Fullerton. She still lives in Southern California and serves as a volunteer at Children's Hospital of Orange County.

To interview Louise Lewis or request a review copy of "No Experts Needed: The Meaning of Life According to You!" contact Rachel Friedman at 727-443-7115, ext. 206 or email rachel@newsandexperts.com. Please include your name, publication, and mailing address with your request.

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